The Constant Rotating Self-Image

The photo above is when I was 25, 14 years ago, to the month. The battle over my self-image is still in full attack mode. I was tired of being “out-of-shape” and I wanted to do something about it. At that time, I was already going to the gym 2-3 hours a day 5-6 times a week! I decided to participate in The Body For Life Challenge. My face shown in the picture with the paper was suppose to look “unhappy,” I wasn’t faking it. The smile in the other picture, I totally wasn’t faking that either! I felt good because I looked good. I believe that should be the other way around. Self-image, unfortunately, can be a constant battle for people, more so for girls.

I was always “little/skinny” when I was younger. When I hit puberty, 5th grade, I gained weight. After a couple of years, around 8th grade, I lost the extra weight. But ever since I gained the weight, I always “felt” fat/ugly. I stayed “thin” until college and gained weight, slowly and steadily until I was 25. I was tired of feeling bad about myself because how I looked on the outside! So, I did the challenge. I felt happy about myself, inside and out, for about 2 years.

Then I was really happy because I met and started dating Ryan. The weight came back on. Only a little came off before the wedding, 2008. Then I was pregnant! I did a paper in my sociology class about body image and pregnant women. I wanted to know what I was getting into! Come to find out, I was NOT the only one feeling the way I did. I was so afraid of gaining weight that I only gained about 16 pounds during my pregnancy. I lost all the extra weight right away, BUT things shifted! I was bigger in places that I wasn’t before but yet weighed the same. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? Then it became an obsession to lose weight. I joined Weight Watchers and dropped 15 pounds. I was able to run faster and I was able to look at myself in the mirror.

Fast forward to today. Got pregnant a second time and gained 26 pounds, lost some of the weight and took 2 years to lose the rest and get back to my “pre-pregnancy” weight, which wasn’t great either. I would yo-yo between 5-10 pounds but always gained it back. I picked up my running mileage, biking and swimming but left out the weights. I even did the harsh cabbage soup diet for 8 days. YES, lost 10 pounds, but gained 9 back within a week. You can’t keep off water weight.

Ryan couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy with myself. He told me, and still does, how beautiful I am. I’m a great person, friend, mother and wife. He tells me he is still so attracted to me as he was when we met. I finally told him that I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I am so unhappy with my physical self. The probable isn’t in the outside, it’s in the inside. I told him that I am glad that he thinks all of this of me, but what matters is what I think of myself. And THAT’S the problem. I can’t stand to take a picture of myself or even look at it.

I’ve finally, almost 40 years later, am tired of this self loathing. This is NOT how I want my daughters to feel about themselves. How can I teach them that when I don’t lead by example. Instead of trying to get myself out of bed in the morning to get to the gym by saying “get your fat ass up,” I start saying, “Come on! You can do it and you’ll feel better afterwards.”  I tell myself that I’m doing my best and I have great running friends that are so supportive and motivating! I try to think of something, how ever small, positive to say about myself every day. Anything from, “My toes look great now that I can get a pedicure…” to “My jeans feel great! I’m getting there..”

We are always told, and try to teach, it’s not what is on the outside but what’s on the inside. It’s another thing to live it. T.V., ads, social media, celebrities, and sometimes friends (the wrong kind) make it very difficult. Even when there is a “healthy” looking celebrity, such as Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games, they are put down by “critics.” Even they take it to heart and drop weight to “fit in.” The fashion industry was on a great track by making it mandatory that the models adhere to “healthy” guidelines and met the standards of a healthy weight based on their height. Oh, some designers did not like that and refused! Even when I watch my favorite program, Project Runway, when there is a challenge of making clothes for the “every day woman” there are so many groans! REALLY!!! Isn’t that who you are trying to reach with your fashion. Don’t you want EVERYONE to wear your clothes? Doesn’t everyone deserve to feel and look fabulous. The thing is, you never truly feel beautiful outside if you don’t tell your inside.