When It’s Not “Okay”

Have you ever been in a situation where saying “I’m Sorry!” isn’t enough or can’t fix a situation? I just had on the other day and it doesn’t sit well with me but it is something I have to deal with. Without going into great detail, I wasn’t doing my job and put someone else’s child is possible danger. How did this happen? I have many excuses but basically I wasn’t doing my job. The anger of the parent wasn’t really what is still upsetting to me, it’s the fact the this child was scared because I wasn’t doing my job properly. As soon as I was aware of the situation I immediately went over to fix my mistake and when I passed this child to his mother she had said “This is NOT ok!” She was right, it wasn’t ok no matter how many times I could say “I’m so sorry!” Despite this, I allowed this mother a few minutes before seeking her out and giving my apologies once again. Was I hoping for that proverbial “It’s ok…,” yes, but I knew it wasn’t going to come. She understood the out of the ordinary circumstances and I wasn’t used to the situation but it still “wasn’t ok.”  I told her that she was correct and there was no excuses for what had happened. She did thank me for seeking her out but made it very clear she wasn’t happy. If I was in her shoes, I would have felt the same way. I also apologized to her son and told him that I wasn’t doing my job. I wasn’t doing my best and let my guard down.

As I was driving home, beating myself up, something my daycare provider had said popped into my head. One of my daughter’s friends at daycare had done something to her and had to apologize to her. Once this friend did, my daughter said, “That’s ok.” The daycare provider had told her that no, it wasn’t ok and that she didn’t have to say that. You can either accept the apology or not, but it doesn’t make it ok! How many times have I had said this in response to an apology? MANY! And was it ok, not always, but somehow, somewhere, we are taught to say this. Kids even now expect to hear the “It’s ok.” after they say that they are sorry! My kids sure do! My daughter badgers me with her sorry! If I don’t respond to her it makes her cry and then I feel bad! Well, not any more!

It’s funny how this situation had happened to me this Friday and my oldest had turned around on Saturday to put herself in a relative same spot. She was sick for two days and on Saturday she was feeling much better. She still needed to take it easy and I didn’t let her run amok outside right away. She hadn’t been outside in two days so when her dad said he was going to mow the lawn I told her she could help him out. In her brain she registered she could go outside and help for 5 minutes and then go play with her friend. I called her in and told her that she was not allowed to play with her friend since she is just getting over being sick and she still needed to take it easy. I went to put her sister down for a nap. A few minutes later she came upstairs asking if I could write a note to the neighbor so she can play over there! Maybe I was speaking another language and she didn’t understand what I had just told her. I told her, again, that she is not to go outside and play with her friend! I didn’t want her passing any of her germs off and she needed to TAKE IT EASY! I also clearly said that her friend had better not be inside the house. I walked away. An hour later I went to wake up my sleeping beauty and when I crossed the hall, my oldest was at the bottom of the stairs……with her friend behind her! Controlling myself not to yell since her friend is there, I reminded her of what I said and stated “I’m sorry but your friend needs to go home and you need to stay inside!” I was fuming.

I had to go to the store, so I took my youngest with me to leave and cool down. I also had to return a Redbox video and, of course, I left it on the counter. After the store I went home to grab it quickly and go back out. I was talking to my husband and I hear my oldest off in the distant. It is so awesome that I have sonar hearing!! I’m looking around and look out my window to see her playing at her friend’s house!!! Trying to keep my eyeballs in my head, I told my husband to call her because I was going to break windows if I opened my mouth. As she came across the yard to my car window, in a controlled stern voice, pointing my finger at her, I said “WHAT DID I SAY?” She replied in her most innocent face like she didn’t understand what this meant, “I’m grounded.” “THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT?” Her shrug received, “You are NOT going to the birthday party tomorrow!” You can now imagine her eyes popping out and tears ensued.

I left and came back. As soon as I walked into the door, “Momma…I’m sorry!” I continued on my path, and she repeated, “Momma…I’m really sorry!.” I said “Yup.” and she continued, “I said my sorry….” She was waiting for her “It’s ok.” and that everything is back to normal and she was going to the party. I told her that it wasn’t “ok.” She had defied me not once, but three times! I had already spoke to her friend’s mom to tell her that we would drop her gift off but that we were not attending the party. I also said that if she was truly sorry, she would show me that she is, by listening to what we tell her! That simple. I also continued to tell her, which I know that I’ve had said this to her before, that saying you’re sorry doesn’t fix the problem. I also added in the “make better choices…” and “all you have to do is listen…” and “you are going to start having to deal with the consequences of your actions!” 7 is such a wonderful age!

Are there times when “It’s ok” really is? Yes. My apology to my friend about us not attending the party, that was “ok” for my friend. And she understood. Having a daughter the same age, she knows what I’m talking about. Any true accident is an “It’s ok.” situation. If the accident is caused by neglect, it’s not. I can’t remember where I learned at a young age to say “It’s ok.” I also can’t remember teaching my daughter to say something when being told “I’m sorry.” I know I wanted her to acknowledge the apology but I honestly don’t remember giving her the response. “I’m sorry!”