Welcome to Mid-Life

I’m officially in “mid-life!” I’m hoping the crisis part holds off, indefinitely. How does it feel to be 40? The same as 39, or even a few years before that. I’m hoping I’m hitting 40 with grace but life is definitely not slowing down.

I had one bucket list item I wanted to do before turning 40. I wanted to complete my first marathon. I had a training schedule, novice level even though I’ve been running since 2010 but I wanted to do it properly without hurting myself. I followed it almost to the T! I did my 200 mile relay, a bit slower than my usual pace but I also had a leg that I never did before and those hills were relentless! I ended up with swollen feet and was out of commission for a week. Then I had my usual 5K runs, average finishes. I also beat my time on a 5 miler that is put on in the middle of summer, on an island, and in the late morning! Then the shin splints started, bi-weekly chiropractic appointments and then deep tissue massages were added. New shoes were bought, even though I feel that they sized too big of a shoe for me. Training went on. I also did my first trail run, a 10K to boot. I was exhausted half way and I needed my friend to get me through the rest with words of encouragement and song! I placed 3rd in my age group. There must have only been three of us though.

Two weeks away from the marathon, I was scheduled to run 20 miles. I’ve been running for two months on sore shins and bad ankles. I had high hopes for this 20 mile run because if I could completely this run I should be able to do the marathon. I had my trusty friends with me for the first half and then I was on my own. Mile 12 on my own was going pretty good, slow but steady. Mile 13, still keeping a steady pace. Mile 14, I started to hit a few small hills and decided to walk them. My eyes started to glaze over at mile 15. My hamstrings started to cramp up and the bottoms of my feet were screaming at me, “What the HELL are you doing to us?” I walked, my feet were getting over their tantrum but my hamstrings started theirs! So I jogged and the roles switched, hamstrings were ok but feet were not. I made that disappointing call to my husband to pick me up because I couldn’t go much further. I hit that ever high and strong running wall. I made it to 16 miles.

I cried in the shower trying to wash away the sweat of defeat. I was so disappointed in myself and mainly mad at my body for not doing what I was telling it to do! I make the rules! What I say goes! Well, my kids don’t listen to me so why should my body? I made the decision to do the half marathon and not the full because I was not ready or prepared. But I made a new goal, I am going to completely this half that I did last year and I was going to BEAT my time of 2:38:24! I worked hard and I was going to accomplish something that I could be proud of! 2:41:39!!! 3 minutes and 15 seconds OVER! I don’t care that I was nauseous at mile 10 and struggled for two miles not to throw up! I don’t care that my asthma kicked in at mile 12, MILE 12, to where I couldn’t take a deep breath without my ribs feeling like they were going to break! I had no excuses for having crossed the finish line late! My excruciating shameful walk to the car that was parked 10 blocks away (really only 2, but felt like 10) was not just a physical challenge but a major mental one. I did wait until I crossed the finish line to cry, uncontrollably mind you, into my youngest child’s arms. I let myself down! I was a failure! I’m going to be 40 and I am so weak at what’s suppose to be my strongest point. I had another cry in the shower, another pity fest, and another self let down.

In the words of my favorite group, “With a Little Help From My Friends,” I got through this with a great support group that was headed by my husband! He knew this challenge was so important to me that all he gave me was support. He was at most of my races cheering me on. And after ever run I did, even just the practice runs, he would tell me he was so proud of me! He was so impressed that I was sticking with this running challenge even though I was struggling so much. I also had the amazing group of running friends, and life friends, all behind and next to me! As I was shamming myself, they were lifting me up! Half the time I felt I was running for them, not for me. I couldn’t believe that I was an inspiration to them, when they are the ones who inspired me to run in the first place.

40 has brought me an amazing 1920s style birthday party with great friends and family. Currently, weekly visits to an athletic physical therapist to work on those shin splints that could have turned into stress fractures because I was RUNNING WRONG, bad form! I am learning to run correctly to tackle that marathon next year. I WILL complete it! A small business that is slowly growing. And hopefully 40+ more years to enjoy this life! I’ve also learned that the only obstacle in my life that I will ever face is myself. Even though I didn’t complete that marathon, I’ve run the best I’ve ever had, packed on the longest miles I ever had, and stuck to my plan. The only let down was that I couldn’t see that I did my best. One of my new bucket list is to see myself as my family and friends do, to be an inspiration and to be inspired!