Behind The Smile

“There are still good times to be had.” But what about all the “times” in between? Currently, I’m in those “between” times and they are far from good. I think mid-life is also this “between” time. Since hitting 40, I’ve had experience so many lows than ever before and I am not sure where to go from here.

I know my family is walking on egg shells around me most of the time. My egg shell is so fragile right now anything sets it off. Even now as I am trying to get my thoughts together for this entry, my husband is trying to talk to me while typing this, my oldest just had a tantrum because my youngest is somehow bothering her while she stands in the kitchen in a towel instead of getting dressed for bed, my youngest is entering my office to just give me a hug, the dogs are licking the floor and my phone is dinging with messages! I think no one can calmly get through this! But this is how it feels most of the time. Is it always this extreme, no, but to me, it always feels extreme. I’m to the point that I don’t know how I’m going to react to anything.

It is not menopause. There is stress in my life, financial and career wise. There is growing pains with the girls being 8 and 4 now. I also volunteer here and there which is also stressful to me. Again, I am not sure why it’s stressful. I enjoy volunteering but when it comes down to actually doing the work, I struggle to fit it in. There are so many projects I want to do and that I enjoy doing. I can’t even get myself to the gym half the time, and this is one of the things I love to do! But when I have the free time, I end up not doing any of these things. I’d rather drag out reading my daily paper, or watch a movie with or without my kids, or I’m on my kindle. It drives me crazy that my kids are on their kindles so much that I limit their time, but look at me! Where is my energy, drive, determination, and the love of being with my family?

I know I’m not alone. I can’t be the only person feeling this way! When I try to talk to a few close friends about it, I get tongue tied and feel like I’m whining. I can’t articulate what I’m feeling or what’s going on. I don’t want to be on medication. To be honest, I don’t think I need it. What I need is to know what the hell is going on with me so I can work on it! And also work on it without losing it and putting holes in the walls!

Is this the “New Year Blues?” I feel like I’m in a rut routine and I am tired of this routine. I know my husband is feeling it because of my “state” he is picking up the slack with the girls mostly. He is upstairs trying to get them washed up, teeth brushed and into bed. I here his voice rise and rise and rise until he loses it and yells. Now he is in my shoes. Am I happy about it, no. Am I happy that I’m not doing the routine? Hell Yes! The problem is not the girls either. Dealing with them is a part of life. I get it. We will have even more trying days with them in the coming years. Totally not looking forward to it.

I can’t even get a sentence down in this blog without deleting them once or twice in order to verbally say how it is. I can feel the gray hairs popping out of my head. As I look into the mirror above my computer I see my set scowl, my tired eyes, and my “I don’t give a shit” expression. One thing I know for sure, I want it to stop. Where is Mari? Where is she hiding? No amount of tears are going to bring her out. My blow outs with my kids haven’t beckoned her to reemerge. My husband’s “I can take care of it all” isn’t releasing the stress, it actually brings it out.

Is this the definition of a mid-life crises? Per MedMD.com, the signs are:

Change in eating habits.
Change in sleeping habits, fatigue.
Feelings of pessimism or hopelessness.
Restlessness, anxiety or irritability.
Feeling of guilt, helplessness or worthlessness.

I am trying to change the way I eat. Making healthier choices and drinking more water. I’ve always had issues with sleep. It hasn’t been great lately, but I go through these bouts all the time. I’m more pessimistic on days that the girls are home all day. Hoping to get though the day without any melt downs or fights and hoping that they will be great listeners, for once! I start out positive but 9 times out of 10, it never lives up to my expectations. The girls are just being girls. That never comes to my mind during the time though. Even writing my blog, I have ideas but I struggle getting them down. I’m definitely irritable! Anything sets me off these days. It has come down to me blowing up in front of the girls due to the whining and crying uncontrollably and telling my oldest that I can’t take this any more. “This” being their attitude, not life. But, does she know that?

So, according to WebMD, I am having a crisis. And the next step, therapy and medication. Been there, therapy, and would not do that, medication. I had talk therapy. I was having anger issues and didn’t like the blow ups I was having. The therapy did help, but wasn’t complete. It’s like someone telling you to be Mr. Rogers. Do the right things, say the right things, be the proper parent. But I live in reality and not T.V. Reality. Because that therapy ended with medication, that was not the answer. I politely said no thank you and was on my way. And I did great! So is the cycle starting again? Can anyone be “done” with therapy? Or is it like cancer, you’re in remission?