Author: truemodmomlife

When Is It Ever Enough?

Summer break is finally here. Since school no longer keeps our kids occupied, parents need to find things to keep them busy. In my children’s eyes, that means take me-buy me- show me mentality. I am not sure if my dad made this saying up, but it plays in my head over and over and over, and it’s only day 2 of summer break! The questions are, when is it enough? Why isn’t it enough? Why can’t they be satisfied with what is provided for them day in, day out? When do they stop making us cry?
Growing up, I knew we weren’t rich, but we always had enough! If my parents struggled financially, my brother and I never knew it. We asked for things, I know I wanted brand named jeans or the jeans with the holes in them when they came in style, but the answer was no. My brother was more persistent then I was, but I don’t think it was like it is today. My children have the business view, “Don’t take ‘No’ for an answer!” They will ask physically, draw a picture, write you a note asking, and then just whine for it. There are many reasons why the answer is no, impracticality, finances, time, finances, location, and finances. In my opinion, a lot of kids these days have no concept of money. And no matter what you say, they can’t understand why they can’t have what they want. They act like we owe it to them!
I took my girls to the zoo for day one. I didn’t have anything planned but needed to keep them busy. Being the first day, I thought we should do something a little special. This zoo has a small amusement park attached to it as well, that opens at noon. We get to the zoo about 10:30. Immediately they want to go on the rides. I explained it wasn’t open and we were going to the zoo first, then lunch (which I packed) and then the rides. We get in and then it’s my youngest wanting to see the tigers, NOW! I told her we would get to that section when we get there. Then it was they want to ride the camels. “No, it’s extra.” Then they wanted to ride the boats. “No, it’s extra. We are here for the zoo, lunch and then the rides. That’s it.” The next ten minutes was filled with whines of why they can’t do what they want. I kept walking and didn’t answer. We were almost done with the zoo, one section left, and the youngest was hungry. She wanted to eat now. I told her we were almost done, it was only 11:30 at this point. The whining followed us to the final section. We were finally done on our way out and the oldest had a fit for not getting her way with a picture prop! I refused to take the picture and walked away and said we can go home now. The apologizes and tears followed. Empty apologizes because they really aren’t sorry, they just want what they want. We had lunch and went to the rides. I let them choose where they wanted to go and what to ride. I even let them play games. Games that they were certain to win something because I was not going to listen to any more whining of them not getting something.
Time was up, and we had to go. I even let them ride a few rides over again before leaving. Once we started heading to the car, the whining began. They didn’t want to go. Why couldn’t we stay longer? What are we going to do when we get home? Not once did they say, “Thank You.” Not once! Through their complaints while getting into the car, I mentioned this. Then I did receive the thank you. But, it doesn’t count. I told them this and that I always have to ask or remind them of the phrase “thank you.” I shake my head and think why do I bother with any of this? I have to remind myself that I’m going to be disappointed or be disappointing to my children because it’s never enough! We do our best with what we have.
Mind you, this is all the same day, we went to the store to get dinner. I asked the girls what they wanted. Chicken was the answer. I bought some chicken. After putting my youngest down for a small nap, catching up on my work/personal emails, organizing my office a bit, and getting the dishes put away and dirty ones cleaned, I started dinner. I made a traditional Spanish dish with the chicken, white rice (girls love it) and corn. I served everyone, called them to dinner, and then served myself. As I was bringing my dish to the table, my oldest expressed, “Yuck, chicken!” It’s not that she doesn’t like chicken, it wasn’t made like SHE likes it, mainly roasted. I try to make traditional meals from my heritage and what I grew up on, and love. I want to make meals that are NOT from a box or frozen. Yes, there’s more to meals than Mac n Cheese and chicken nuggets! I picked my plate up, stood there for minute because of the fury building inside, then the hurt set in, I ended up putting my plate down at the other table. Was about to sit but couldn’t stand being near her at that moment. I went up stairs to my room and started crying.
Yes, I made my mom cry too when I was growing up. I asked my dad when I started having this affect on my mom. He said mid-teens. Mid-Teens!!! My child is 8! I have enough stress getting new clients for my business, making money to pay our mortgage and other bills, figuring out what and where we can put our kids during the summer while we work. I should have sent her to her room/bed without dinner. But the sheer ungratefulness was too much for me at that moment. To avoid losing it all at that moment, I had to walk away. I do cry when I’m angry, and I was beyond angry, but I was also beyond hurt. We do not raise our children to be this way! We provide for them every day. Where does this mentality come from?
My husband came up to console me and made sure I ate my dinner. He brought up my dinner and closed my door. I am also sure that he made my daughter come up to apologize. She said she was sorry. And it hurt because I know she doesn’t mean it. She only apologizes when she gets in trouble. She apologizes to get her way out of her punishment. She apologizes to get a second change, not because she is truly sorry. The most she is sincere is when she accidently hurts her sister when they are playing. I didn’t look at her when she came in, when she apologized or when she left. Before bed, I read to her sister and when she came up at the last minute to hear the ending to her sister’s story, I refused to read to/with her. She stomped away from the injustice and her dad ended up reading with her. I am also certain, she doesn’t know why I didn’t read to her.
The anger and hurtfulness still lingered this morning. I know I will get over it, until the next time. I know my parents had to do without a lot more than I had to growing up. So, when my children start having children, is the entitlement mentality going to start at 2 years of age? How can we teach our children graciousness and thoughtfulness and, finally, humility in today’s world? During a session that parents of first year children in catechism had to go through with the priest, he showed us something very important. It was a video of children running, laughing, singing, and dancing. They were full of joy. The smiles on their face where so contagious I felt like I wanted to be there with them. They were from a third world country. They were poor, well what we consider poor. No running water, limited food, clothes and education. BUT, they didn’t know that! They were not “going without” because they never had it! They were happy to be alive, with their family, friends and what they had. To this day, I wish I was so lucky. I wish I could explain this to my girls. I wish for the joyfulness of those children to be installed in mine. If only I was so rich.

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Behind the Scenes

I feel like I’m Debbie Reyonlds in Singing in the Rain, singing behind the curtain while someone else gets the credit. I can’t seem to find that gap between to break out and no one is pulling back these curtains for me! So many people have the opportunity to pull these strings and reveal “who’s “behind the scenes, but rather keep things for themselves, too lazy to say anything, or even just step aside. Inequality has been all over the pace in today’s world, yesterday’s world, and way back when! I do feel that we are making progress, but fear things will never be “equal.” This is not just between men and women either. I’ve experienced it myself in my career, at home, at school and even on the field!
I’ve worked in the banking industry, construction industry and in general behind the scene accounting/bookkeeping industry. I once tried to purchase a steel company that I worked for over 7 years and was treated unfairly. With the financial downfall we experienced at the of 2008, I was the only “office” person kept because I did the books! I was needed! Because I was needed, special circumstances where made for me to stay. I’m not sure if the boss thought I wasn’t going to return after I had my first child, but he made sure I was able to bring her to work with me to make sure I came in. I did it because it saved LOTS of money! I wanted to make more money and he said I didn’t have a degree, a BA, so I couldn’t seek it. Yet another person who was hired after me, had a BA in something that had nothing to do with his job, and he was given more money. The loop hole here was that I said since he is requiring me to get a BA, he needed to give me further education financing. Which he did. I received my BA in Sociology, which had nothing to do with my current position, and received more money.
Then my boss wanted to retire but didn’t want his company to close. So, since I was hard working and interested in purchasing, he filled my head with all the possibilities of acquiring the company. Because I was a woman, I could get special financing, be higher in my bids due to being a double minority, AND because I was going to bring my father with me. Needless to say, the bank wouldn’t finance the loan because they felt the construction industry wasn’t back in its feet yet. It was back to work as normal.
Then he brought his favorite field employee into the office to help him. He gave him a raise, and realized he needed to give me one to be “fair.” I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it, I was the jack of all trades there, but he wasn’t giving it to me because he felt I deserved it. He gave it me because he felt he had to! Then he gave this employee another raise, within about 6 months. Did he do anything special to deserve it, no, but he was trying to buy a house for himself and his family, so he needed the extra money. Yes, I also got another raise. This employee didn’t have a degree! He didn’t do more work than I did! He didn’t work from home when needed! But he did get the money. We ended up reaching the threshold of salaries at the company, together. Then, I had my second child. Just like the first one, I had my computer with me at the hospital to make sure everything was done. I showed up at the end of January with a newborn to make sure W-2s went out on time and all other tax important reports where done. Then I received the silent treatment after all of this was done. After 8 years of service, I received a three-sentence letter indicating that I no longer had a job even though I was still on maternity leave. After removing the knife, I sued, and he settled out of court. I didn’t do it for the money, I definitely did it for the principle.
At home, our kids never give us the acknowledgement we deserve. I get more credit for things that my husband does for the girls. They give us “points” at dinner time and I always get more points even though I don’t always cook! We are hardly ever thanked without be prompted for things we do or where we take them. It’s seems like it is the expectation of theirs. When we don’t do these things, it becomes, “I never get/go/have…..” I know I didn’t thank my parents all the time for all the things they did for us, but I know whether it was going out for food, taking us anywhere, or anything that was an extra, there was a “thank you” most of the time. I don’t think we need to go back to the “Yes Sir/Ma’am” era, but our kids need to learn gratitude, a bit more respect, and worth. I feel that parents, including myself, put ourselves behind the curtain with our kids because we fear of their failure. And maybe not so much on how it may impact the child, but how it makes us look and feel.

This becomes more so when our kids hit school age. We all know the parents are behind the curtain so when the child does well it’s obviously because of us! But the parents are still looking for the spotlight. It seems like some parents try to relive their school years through their children. I remember when I helped out along with other parents for an event for the school. The people that pitched in did a lot of work and took time to get things ready and prepared. When the event went well, and people were appreciative, only one person was called out and “especially” thanked! I was not the person that did the most, but there was more than just one person doing the event! Why this was done, I have no idea. And we shouldn’t do things to be “thanked” but if it takes a village, the village gets credit. This is so similar to some work places. The top person that received the work of others and presents it, gets the credit.

Then we come to the sport field. I stepped in to coach my daughter’s tee ball team because they needed more coaches and no one else was stepping up. Thankfully I received an assistant coach, the father of a player on my team. I’ve never coached before but played ball all the way through high school. From the beginning I should have seen the dominance coming. I had to pick up uniforms from a guy that was one of the head people running the program. It was raining, I went up to the car that I assumed this person was in, waved and waiting. He looked at me, looked away, took about a minute and decided to come out to see what I wanted. I told him I was a new coach here to get what I needed for the season. He gave me the uniforms and hats. Did he get me equipment that I needed as well, no, because I didn’t ask! He made me feel that I was being a huge inconvenience to him. We still didn’t have equipment for our first game even after a few emails to the head person. I was told we would have equipment the day of the game. When I arrive, the guy that was suppose to get this for me was too busy doing something else and then sent someone over to tell me I had to share with the team we were playing against. Luckily, I knew the MOM that was coaching that team! We did get our equipment by the second game. I prepare and run the weekly practices. I am at the field at least 20 minutes before we are due to play. I set up the field if needed and I am prepared to start on time. My team is stretched and ready to go. The only thing I have my assistant coach do is pitch to the batters. We underhand at least 5 pitches, if they don’t get a hit we bring out the tee. I catch, get the players lined up to hit, and then place them on the field. At the beginning of the game and at the end, ALL of the teams with male coaches acknowledge my assistant coach, who is male, and say nothing to me except at the end of the game where we all line up and tell each other “Good Game.” Then they shake my assistant coaches hand and tell him good game. Does the assistant coach say anything to set them straight, no. Do I, no. Even during the whole game, my team calls me “COACH!” I am not looking to be thanked for this. My team does thank me, when prompted by their parents.
I should be acknowledged by my peers. Is it because of my double minority? Is it because of their ignorance? Is it because times hasn’t change? It is time to make the change and finally speak up and demand credit. I have no problem correcting my children in public when errors are made, and loudly if needed to be heard. I’m never afraid or ashamed to do this. So why can’t I do this for myself?

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Behind The Smile

“There are still good times to be had.” But what about all the “times” in between? Currently, I’m in those “between” times and they are far from good. I think mid-life is also this “between” time. Since hitting 40, I’ve had experience so many lows than ever before and I am not sure where to go from here.

I know my family is walking on egg shells around me most of the time. My egg shell is so fragile right now anything sets it off. Even now as I am trying to get my thoughts together for this entry, my husband is trying to talk to me while typing this, my oldest just had a tantrum because my youngest is somehow bothering her while she stands in the kitchen in a towel instead of getting dressed for bed, my youngest is entering my office to just give me a hug, the dogs are licking the floor and my phone is dinging with messages! I think no one can calmly get through this! But this is how it feels most of the time. Is it always this extreme, no, but to me, it always feels extreme. I’m to the point that I don’t know how I’m going to react to anything.

It is not menopause. There is stress in my life, financial and career wise. There is growing pains with the girls being 8 and 4 now. I also volunteer here and there which is also stressful to me. Again, I am not sure why it’s stressful. I enjoy volunteering but when it comes down to actually doing the work, I struggle to fit it in. There are so many projects I want to do and that I enjoy doing. I can’t even get myself to the gym half the time, and this is one of the things I love to do! But when I have the free time, I end up not doing any of these things. I’d rather drag out reading my daily paper, or watch a movie with or without my kids, or I’m on my kindle. It drives me crazy that my kids are on their kindles so much that I limit their time, but look at me! Where is my energy, drive, determination, and the love of being with my family?

I know I’m not alone. I can’t be the only person feeling this way! When I try to talk to a few close friends about it, I get tongue tied and feel like I’m whining. I can’t articulate what I’m feeling or what’s going on. I don’t want to be on medication. To be honest, I don’t think I need it. What I need is to know what the hell is going on with me so I can work on it! And also work on it without losing it and putting holes in the walls!

Is this the “New Year Blues?” I feel like I’m in a rut routine and I am tired of this routine. I know my husband is feeling it because of my “state” he is picking up the slack with the girls mostly. He is upstairs trying to get them washed up, teeth brushed and into bed. I here his voice rise and rise and rise until he loses it and yells. Now he is in my shoes. Am I happy about it, no. Am I happy that I’m not doing the routine? Hell Yes! The problem is not the girls either. Dealing with them is a part of life. I get it. We will have even more trying days with them in the coming years. Totally not looking forward to it.

I can’t even get a sentence down in this blog without deleting them once or twice in order to verbally say how it is. I can feel the gray hairs popping out of my head. As I look into the mirror above my computer I see my set scowl, my tired eyes, and my “I don’t give a shit” expression. One thing I know for sure, I want it to stop. Where is Mari? Where is she hiding? No amount of tears are going to bring her out. My blow outs with my kids haven’t beckoned her to reemerge. My husband’s “I can take care of it all” isn’t releasing the stress, it actually brings it out.

Is this the definition of a mid-life crises? Per MedMD.com, the signs are:

Change in eating habits.
Change in sleeping habits, fatigue.
Feelings of pessimism or hopelessness.
Restlessness, anxiety or irritability.
Feeling of guilt, helplessness or worthlessness.

I am trying to change the way I eat. Making healthier choices and drinking more water. I’ve always had issues with sleep. It hasn’t been great lately, but I go through these bouts all the time. I’m more pessimistic on days that the girls are home all day. Hoping to get though the day without any melt downs or fights and hoping that they will be great listeners, for once! I start out positive but 9 times out of 10, it never lives up to my expectations. The girls are just being girls. That never comes to my mind during the time though. Even writing my blog, I have ideas but I struggle getting them down. I’m definitely irritable! Anything sets me off these days. It has come down to me blowing up in front of the girls due to the whining and crying uncontrollably and telling my oldest that I can’t take this any more. “This” being their attitude, not life. But, does she know that?

So, according to WebMD, I am having a crisis. And the next step, therapy and medication. Been there, therapy, and would not do that, medication. I had talk therapy. I was having anger issues and didn’t like the blow ups I was having. The therapy did help, but wasn’t complete. It’s like someone telling you to be Mr. Rogers. Do the right things, say the right things, be the proper parent. But I live in reality and not T.V. Reality. Because that therapy ended with medication, that was not the answer. I politely said no thank you and was on my way. And I did great! So is the cycle starting again? Can anyone be “done” with therapy? Or is it like cancer, you’re in remission?

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“Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child”…I Shouldn’t Have To…

There are so many sayings that accompanies children’s behavior: “Oh, it’s that age,” “Terrible Threes,” “She/he gets it from school/friends,” and “I didn’t act that way.” Then there’s the cause of these sayings: “Why can’t I have it?,” “But so and so has one!,” “I want one just like hers/his!,” and “I WANT…!” I’ve heard almost all of these from my children and said at least one. I am at a point that I don’t know what to do any more in trying to bring up my children to be loving, thankful, respectful and happy children. Yes they can be, but I want them to desire to be this way. Not just to get something in return.

I have a 7 and 3 year old, soon to be 8 and 4 (back to back, and no we did not plan this). Their birthdays are in December. It usually takes us until March of the following year to get them to stop thinking it’s their birthday and Christmas and why they are not getting gifts anymore! My 7 year old is in second grade and my 3 year old is in preschool. We’ve really hit the age appropriate “stages” with our oldest than with our youngest. She didn’t have “terrible twos,” she had “the F’ing threes!” She reverted back to baby talk when her sister was born and went through the jealousy stage of having a baby sibling that was receiving most of the attention that she use to get. AND, she was the first grandchild on both sides! This entry is ALL about my oldest! It’s all about her (as she thinks everything is).

Every since school has started this year, my child has changed, and not for the better. It’s to the point that I am wondering where I went wrong! I’ve had moments of shamefulness, headaches, heartaches, and been completely dumbfounded by her behavior. Even as I type this blog I’m constantly shaking my head and rubbing my forehead! I’m the type of person that will not accept the “it’s the age” reasoning. I don’t care how old she is , we did not and are not raising her this way. The only phrase that comes to my mind is “attitude of entitlement.” Where does this come from? I asked my husband this last night and his answer was “She gets it from school.” Which means friends and basically society. It’s always the easy way out.

I’m so tired of hearing my daughter ask, “Why can’t I have…?” Even when I give her the logically and truthful answer, that does not stop her. I am stubborn myself, but this is ridicules. Quick scenario: We just finished having the girls pictures take and we are on our way home. My oldest had suggested that we go to the store so that all of us can buy something because we haven’t don’t that in a while. We’ve NEVER done that. We’ve gone to Target at times when we’ve all picked out something, but it something that we need; toothpaste and brushes, soap, and occasionally coffee if it’s on sale. I calmly told her no. You know what came next, “Why not?” I explained to her that we don’t need anything and that we don’t go out to just buy something. Besides that point, they had their birthdays coming up and they are having parties. Plus they will get gifts from some friends/family. “But, that’s SO far away!” I will skip the comments I gave her at this point. I finally told her that she could choose, a toy now or her party, plain and simple! Our youngest shouted that she wanted her party! Our oldest sat and pouted and squeezed out a few tears! We didn’t engage her at this point.

You would have thought this would have been the end of it! WRONG! We were coming up to an area she actual knows on the highway, where the shopping mall is! To my surprise she started to calming tell me that she knows that Toys-R-Us is coming up! I take a deep breathe, try to stay calm, and stop rubbing my forehead. I just say, “Yes.” Then she proceeded to tell us that she knows where the items are that goes to her toy airplane that she recently received, and that she needs 7 more little people and accessories for her plane. Again, I just said, “huh.” Then my smiling husband said “And what is your point?” “Can’t we go and buy them.” He found this very funny and laughed, I did not share any humor in this. I gave her that choice one more time, toy or party. There was complaining, pouting and yelling at this point, from me!

Nothing is ever enough! This is how I feel. I also feel that “I never acted this way!” I remember wanted a pair of Levi jeans and my dad saying no because they were too expensive. He gave the answer and that was it! I knew not to beg or complain. Besides knowing better, I’d probably would have been yelled at and possible received a spanking if I went on too much about it. I shouldn’t have to do this! As generations come and go, we should learn from them and not retreat to old ways. I feel that most of generation x, my generation, generally respected our parents, did what we were told, most of the time, and knew if we didn’t there were consequences. It was being grounded or being hit.

Parents in the current generation are told it is wrong to hit and we need to use strategy and our words to get through to our children. I don’t want to revert to hitting! I didn’t like it and it shouldn’t be a necessity. I use my words, a lot. They are not always in a calm, Mr. Rogers’ tone but when it calls for it, it’s yelling. I get their attention and they know I mean business! Again, I DON’T want to yell. I’ve been to parenting classes and have picked up great tips, but realistically, these do not always work! I want my daughters to understand that we don’t need “stuff.” This is not what brings happiness (you’ve all heard it). The amount of stuff that someone gives you does not mean they love you most or that you should love them the most! I just need the greediness, self-centered, and entailment attitude to stop. I did not raise my girls this way. I was not raised this way.

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Welcome to Mid-Life

I’m officially in “mid-life!” I’m hoping the crisis part holds off, indefinitely. How does it feel to be 40? The same as 39, or even a few years before that. I’m hoping I’m hitting 40 with grace but life is definitely not slowing down.

I had one bucket list item I wanted to do before turning 40. I wanted to complete my first marathon. I had a training schedule, novice level even though I’ve been running since 2010 but I wanted to do it properly without hurting myself. I followed it almost to the T! I did my 200 mile relay, a bit slower than my usual pace but I also had a leg that I never did before and those hills were relentless! I ended up with swollen feet and was out of commission for a week. Then I had my usual 5K runs, average finishes. I also beat my time on a 5 miler that is put on in the middle of summer, on an island, and in the late morning! Then the shin splints started, bi-weekly chiropractic appointments and then deep tissue massages were added. New shoes were bought, even though I feel that they sized too big of a shoe for me. Training went on. I also did my first trail run, a 10K to boot. I was exhausted half way and I needed my friend to get me through the rest with words of encouragement and song! I placed 3rd in my age group. There must have only been three of us though.

Two weeks away from the marathon, I was scheduled to run 20 miles. I’ve been running for two months on sore shins and bad ankles. I had high hopes for this 20 mile run because if I could completely this run I should be able to do the marathon. I had my trusty friends with me for the first half and then I was on my own. Mile 12 on my own was going pretty good, slow but steady. Mile 13, still keeping a steady pace. Mile 14, I started to hit a few small hills and decided to walk them. My eyes started to glaze over at mile 15. My hamstrings started to cramp up and the bottoms of my feet were screaming at me, “What the HELL are you doing to us?” I walked, my feet were getting over their tantrum but my hamstrings started theirs! So I jogged and the roles switched, hamstrings were ok but feet were not. I made that disappointing call to my husband to pick me up because I couldn’t go much further. I hit that ever high and strong running wall. I made it to 16 miles.

I cried in the shower trying to wash away the sweat of defeat. I was so disappointed in myself and mainly mad at my body for not doing what I was telling it to do! I make the rules! What I say goes! Well, my kids don’t listen to me so why should my body? I made the decision to do the half marathon and not the full because I was not ready or prepared. But I made a new goal, I am going to completely this half that I did last year and I was going to BEAT my time of 2:38:24! I worked hard and I was going to accomplish something that I could be proud of! 2:41:39!!! 3 minutes and 15 seconds OVER! I don’t care that I was nauseous at mile 10 and struggled for two miles not to throw up! I don’t care that my asthma kicked in at mile 12, MILE 12, to where I couldn’t take a deep breath without my ribs feeling like they were going to break! I had no excuses for having crossed the finish line late! My excruciating shameful walk to the car that was parked 10 blocks away (really only 2, but felt like 10) was not just a physical challenge but a major mental one. I did wait until I crossed the finish line to cry, uncontrollably mind you, into my youngest child’s arms. I let myself down! I was a failure! I’m going to be 40 and I am so weak at what’s suppose to be my strongest point. I had another cry in the shower, another pity fest, and another self let down.

In the words of my favorite group, “With a Little Help From My Friends,” I got through this with a great support group that was headed by my husband! He knew this challenge was so important to me that all he gave me was support. He was at most of my races cheering me on. And after ever run I did, even just the practice runs, he would tell me he was so proud of me! He was so impressed that I was sticking with this running challenge even though I was struggling so much. I also had the amazing group of running friends, and life friends, all behind and next to me! As I was shamming myself, they were lifting me up! Half the time I felt I was running for them, not for me. I couldn’t believe that I was an inspiration to them, when they are the ones who inspired me to run in the first place.

40 has brought me an amazing 1920s style birthday party with great friends and family. Currently, weekly visits to an athletic physical therapist to work on those shin splints that could have turned into stress fractures because I was RUNNING WRONG, bad form! I am learning to run correctly to tackle that marathon next year. I WILL complete it! A small business that is slowly growing. And hopefully 40+ more years to enjoy this life! I’ve also learned that the only obstacle in my life that I will ever face is myself. Even though I didn’t complete that marathon, I’ve run the best I’ve ever had, packed on the longest miles I ever had, and stuck to my plan. The only let down was that I couldn’t see that I did my best. One of my new bucket list is to see myself as my family and friends do, to be an inspiration and to be inspired!

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You’re Never Too Old For Change

Besides wanting to start a blog to have a place for me to speak my mind freely, I never thought that my life would have much change when I turned 40. Usually by this time, people have their career path, family established, and plans for retirement, right? I didn’t think my life was going to change much besides my children getting older. Come to find out, you’re never too old for change!

For most of my professional I have been in finance, first banking and then bookkeeping. I’ve always try to work hard to keep moving on that career ladder. I’ve had many set backs and been knocked down a few rungs on that ladder. This year, I worked hard to advance on this ladder and skip up to those rungs that I’ve been before but to only get to the next rung. I decided to buy my own ladder!

I turn 40 in 3 months and 29 days and I have started my own bookkeeping business. I was very hesitant to do so but after speaking to another bookkeeper, who is a lot younger than me, I thought, “Why not? Why can’t I do this? I have the experience! I have the knowledge! But, do I have the determination?” I believe I do! I am not a sales person and I have a hard time “selling” myself/skill to unfamiliar territories. But, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and have made small steps in getting my name out there and mingling as best as I can. And it always helps to have friends that are out there as well and help you promote yourself!

Why did I leave a steady paycheck, insurance (yet my husband has insurance), and job security, especially at this age? WHY NOT? I can set my schedule to be able to be around for my kids when they need someone. I can choose who I work for, how much I get paid, and do a great job to show what I know. I was getting tired of doing all the leg work, reports, and crunching numbers for other people to get credit! My work speaks for itself!

Funny enough, I’m not the only one with a career change, at a late stage! My mom, 62 years old (sorry mom), retired last month! She took early retirement because being a nurse is hard work and she has worked all of her adult life! She needed a break and she was firm! So, my parents need to sell their house in the FL Keys, because if you are not rich you cannot retire there, and move. Which means that my dad needs to get a job some place else, at 62 years old. He wants to work until full retirement age. Can you imagine looking for a decent job at 62? I know that it’s against the law to discriminate anyone for their age when applying, but you know they are thinking about it! He is a mechanical engineer but hasn’t been in the industry for 20 years! Where is he going to go? What is he going to do? How does he feel?

He applied for at a placement company that had spots at a well established manufacturing company. But, he had to take a test, mostly about mechanics these days. He didn’t want to take it. He didn’t say why but I had a feeling that he wasn’t going to pass it. Defeated before even stepping through those doors! Luckily my mom convinced him to just take the test! Nothing ventured, nothing gained! He did study and passed the test! He was so proud of himself that he couldn’t wait to tell me! And I was so proud, impressed, and grateful that stepped out of his comfort zone to show what he knows and what he can do!  He got the job! You are NEVER too old!

 

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When It’s Not “Okay”

Have you ever been in a situation where saying “I’m Sorry!” isn’t enough or can’t fix a situation? I just had on the other day and it doesn’t sit well with me but it is something I have to deal with. Without going into great detail, I wasn’t doing my job and put someone else’s child is possible danger. How did this happen? I have many excuses but basically I wasn’t doing my job. The anger of the parent wasn’t really what is still upsetting to me, it’s the fact the this child was scared because I wasn’t doing my job properly. As soon as I was aware of the situation I immediately went over to fix my mistake and when I passed this child to his mother she had said “This is NOT ok!” She was right, it wasn’t ok no matter how many times I could say “I’m so sorry!” Despite this, I allowed this mother a few minutes before seeking her out and giving my apologies once again. Was I hoping for that proverbial “It’s ok…,” yes, but I knew it wasn’t going to come. She understood the out of the ordinary circumstances and I wasn’t used to the situation but it still “wasn’t ok.”  I told her that she was correct and there was no excuses for what had happened. She did thank me for seeking her out but made it very clear she wasn’t happy. If I was in her shoes, I would have felt the same way. I also apologized to her son and told him that I wasn’t doing my job. I wasn’t doing my best and let my guard down.

As I was driving home, beating myself up, something my daycare provider had said popped into my head. One of my daughter’s friends at daycare had done something to her and had to apologize to her. Once this friend did, my daughter said, “That’s ok.” The daycare provider had told her that no, it wasn’t ok and that she didn’t have to say that. You can either accept the apology or not, but it doesn’t make it ok! How many times have I had said this in response to an apology? MANY! And was it ok, not always, but somehow, somewhere, we are taught to say this. Kids even now expect to hear the “It’s ok.” after they say that they are sorry! My kids sure do! My daughter badgers me with her sorry! If I don’t respond to her it makes her cry and then I feel bad! Well, not any more!

It’s funny how this situation had happened to me this Friday and my oldest had turned around on Saturday to put herself in a relative same spot. She was sick for two days and on Saturday she was feeling much better. She still needed to take it easy and I didn’t let her run amok outside right away. She hadn’t been outside in two days so when her dad said he was going to mow the lawn I told her she could help him out. In her brain she registered she could go outside and help for 5 minutes and then go play with her friend. I called her in and told her that she was not allowed to play with her friend since she is just getting over being sick and she still needed to take it easy. I went to put her sister down for a nap. A few minutes later she came upstairs asking if I could write a note to the neighbor so she can play over there! Maybe I was speaking another language and she didn’t understand what I had just told her. I told her, again, that she is not to go outside and play with her friend! I didn’t want her passing any of her germs off and she needed to TAKE IT EASY! I also clearly said that her friend had better not be inside the house. I walked away. An hour later I went to wake up my sleeping beauty and when I crossed the hall, my oldest was at the bottom of the stairs……with her friend behind her! Controlling myself not to yell since her friend is there, I reminded her of what I said and stated “I’m sorry but your friend needs to go home and you need to stay inside!” I was fuming.

I had to go to the store, so I took my youngest with me to leave and cool down. I also had to return a Redbox video and, of course, I left it on the counter. After the store I went home to grab it quickly and go back out. I was talking to my husband and I hear my oldest off in the distant. It is so awesome that I have sonar hearing!! I’m looking around and look out my window to see her playing at her friend’s house!!! Trying to keep my eyeballs in my head, I told my husband to call her because I was going to break windows if I opened my mouth. As she came across the yard to my car window, in a controlled stern voice, pointing my finger at her, I said “WHAT DID I SAY?” She replied in her most innocent face like she didn’t understand what this meant, “I’m grounded.” “THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT?” Her shrug received, “You are NOT going to the birthday party tomorrow!” You can now imagine her eyes popping out and tears ensued.

I left and came back. As soon as I walked into the door, “Momma…I’m sorry!” I continued on my path, and she repeated, “Momma…I’m really sorry!.” I said “Yup.” and she continued, “I said my sorry….” She was waiting for her “It’s ok.” and that everything is back to normal and she was going to the party. I told her that it wasn’t “ok.” She had defied me not once, but three times! I had already spoke to her friend’s mom to tell her that we would drop her gift off but that we were not attending the party. I also said that if she was truly sorry, she would show me that she is, by listening to what we tell her! That simple. I also continued to tell her, which I know that I’ve had said this to her before, that saying you’re sorry doesn’t fix the problem. I also added in the “make better choices…” and “all you have to do is listen…” and “you are going to start having to deal with the consequences of your actions!” 7 is such a wonderful age!

Are there times when “It’s ok” really is? Yes. My apology to my friend about us not attending the party, that was “ok” for my friend. And she understood. Having a daughter the same age, she knows what I’m talking about. Any true accident is an “It’s ok.” situation. If the accident is caused by neglect, it’s not. I can’t remember where I learned at a young age to say “It’s ok.” I also can’t remember teaching my daughter to say something when being told “I’m sorry.” I know I wanted her to acknowledge the apology but I honestly don’t remember giving her the response. “I’m sorry!”

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Rumor Has It…..

As years pass we hope that things change for the better. Kids growing up these days still deal with social difficulties as kids in the past, but these difficulties intensify as years go on and dealing with them have changed. Children deal with difficulties in learning new things, making friends, keeping those friends, fitting in, staying unique, bullying, not being a bully, and the list goes on and on.

My mom shared a memory with me about a situation that she had to deal with when she was young. She witnessed her sister getting bullied by three other girls. She was out numbered and didn’t know what to do and perhaps felt it’d be worse to fight back. My mom on the other hand didn’t hesitate. She pushed the “head” girl and told them to back off. She pushed the girl hard enough for her to fall backwards into a wall. The other girls took off afraid of the same punishment. My mom took her sister home and did not tell their parents what had happened. Should there have been teachers or monitors out making sure that kids behaved themselves on school ground, perhaps. But even with monitors, eyes cannot be everywhere. Should her parents have been there to pick them up from school instead of walking home? That was the time of latch-key kids.

One time on the bus home, my brother and I were getting off the bus when his nemesis grabbed my brother around his neck and started choking him. These two boys never got along, and I never knew why. My brother’s face was turning red! I slid into the seat behind this boy and knocked his head as hard as I could against the bus window to get him to let go! He let go and my brother and I got off the bus. I was told the next day that this boy was crying after I had done that. Should the bus driver had done something, YES! Did he/she, I can’t remember, no. Was there any more friction on the bus, no. Should my parents have been there to get us off the bus? It would have been nice but we were also latch-key kids.

I spent a day in middle school where I had no friends. A rumor went around saying that I had said something bad about one of my best friends. I didn’t, but this friend got everyone to turn on me. Even my one true best friend turned on me. I felt like crap the whole day. I had no friends, and no one was speaking to me. Even on the bus, a girl harassed me about the whole situation. The next day I spoke to my friend and asked her what this was all about and when I told her that I didn’t and wouldn’t have said it, we were friends again and everyone liked me again! Out of this whole situation, the one thing that did hurt the most was that my true best friend turned on me. What if I didn’t like this girl, did that mean she wasn’t my friend anymore? I had to like who she liked? It obvious struck a nerve because I remember it to this day. Should I have told my parents, at least my mom, about this? Yes, I think it would have felt good to do so. I’m not sure why I didn’t. She may have been in school or work at the time and my dad was the one home with us. Dad wasn’t the sensitive type for these conversations.

My oldest is in first grade. She is dealing with small bully issues and friends issues already. I don’t remember having to deal with much of any of these issues until around fourth grade. She has told me about someone in her class being a bully to other kids and sometimes her. She has also told me about one of her friends telling her they weren’t friends anymore because she wouldn’t do/give her what she wanted. She has even gotten off the bus crying because no one would sit with her. I felt I gave her the typical answer, but also what was true in my heart. I told her that it’s “their” loss if they don’t want to sit with you or be her friend. That if you show them your weakness, crying, then they will know how to hurt you! I told her that next time if no one wants to sit with her, shrug it off (because they will be sitting together the next day) and take out her trusty notebook that she always has and draw. She loves to draw. I told her that I would LOVE to receive a drawing from her when she got off the bus and that it would make my day. Since then, there hasn’t been an issue. I wanted to give her an outlet. Something to absorb those frustrations.

From my mother’s childhood and mine, these were pretty brutal offenses we had to deal with and retaliate in kind. Yet, the situation was handled and more or less done with. This is not acceptable anymore. I feel that because they are not, we are seeing more and more harsher retaliations and devastating end results. Things are handled with “talk” and not enough action, in my opinion. It’s harder for adults to pay attention to their surrounds without having their phone in their hand or in their face. I’ve always said that we need to disconnect to connect! I’ve seen too many people on their phones while supposedly spending time with their kids. At times, I even catch myself doing it. But I am glad that I can and do catch myself and correct it.

The latest rumor/advisory going around these days is a series on Netflix called 13 Reasons Why. We have received emails from school about it and it has also been in the local paper. Parents need to talk to their children about suicide and either watch the show with them or don’t allow them to see it because it “glorifies” suicide. Since my children are not old enough to watch these shows/movies anyways, I was curious on my own. So I watched it, intensely. I beg to differ with these opinions. It doesn’t glorify suicide, it gives possible scenarios that kids, mostly teens, might go through in school. It is a bit far fetch by thinking that all of the 13 experiences would happen to just one person, but just one of those alone could truly have an impact on a young person. Most of the experiences were based on rumors! Just one rumor can have a deep affect on someone, just one. The rumor can change a person’s life completely, or be a memory, a life long memory, see above to my rumor (that took place in 7th grade, 1990).

I feel that society loves to blow things out of proportion and the need of the “helicopter parents” call signal is always shinning in the sky. Yes, we do need to pay attention to what is going on in our children’s lives. We need to respond in a timely manner and in a kind manner. Yelling at our kids for not speaking up or saying something will make them never come to you again with a problem. Spoiler alert! If you watched 13 Reasons Why, her final reason was because she was asking for help, straight out, from the guidance counselor and he wasn’t paying attention to her cry for help. She told herself that if he would reach out to her and help her she wouldn’t kill herself. Instead, his cell phone kept ringing and his mind was on that phone and not on her even though he kept ignoring the call. He wasn’t ignoring the call, he was ignoring her! We need face time with our kids not FaceTime.

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Everyone But You!

I am sure most people have stereotyped one group of people as the same at one point in their life. I feel I’ve done this as a teen and possible a young adult. But I thought the older you get, the wiser you are, right? Not as much as you think, or as I thought!

I have the opportunity to sit in a waiting room once a week while my daughter has her dance lesson. I also have the privilege to sit with a variety of personalities! I would assume some share my feeling of annoyance of the conversations that are carried on in there with other parents that are waiting. Some are smart enough to leave and sit in their car and wait until the 45 minutes are up! I just wish my youngest would sit nicely in the car, hence I endure the torture of listening to these idiotic topics that I can’t believe a grown person would utter, in their “outside” voice!

The topic was “How all people who live in the south are stupid and slow.” You have three moms having this conversation. I would guess that their ages are in the 30’s. Once I heard this comment, I am glad that they couldn’t see my face and shaking of my head behind my paper! I find current affairs in the Herald more relevant to my life at this moment. “I was telling him my order and he said I was talking too fast! So I had to repeat myself much slower!” She then proceeded to demonstrate how much slower she had to speak. The person wasn’t “dumb” she probably was going too fast to get her order in. So in return this personal was talked to like they were a 2 year old while she enunciated every syllable. Hopefully she said her “r”s because everyone from New England drops them, right?

Then it went on about how the twang in southerner’s speech makes them sound so stupid. Have you heard the Big Apple commercial on the radio where there’s a man with a heavy Maine accent? Judging by that, everyone from Maine has a very heavy accent that sounds like they are hillbillies and they need to get all their necessities at a convenient store, right? Did that assumption come out of an actual grown person? It did! I remember one time going to Mexico. My Spanish is ok and I am Hispanic. So, since I am Hispanic I must know how to speak Spanish, right? I went into a store looking to buy souvenirs. The clerk asked me something but they had said it too fast. I told him that I understand more than I can speak and if he could repeat himself but just a bit slower. Then he continued to talk to me as if I was a small child! I smiled, thanked him politely, and took my business elsewhere. Ignorance will get you in trouble, or no sales.

Well, these ladies continued their conversation in ignorance. A man had come back in to wait the last 5 minutes or so until class was over. In the corner of my eye I saw him smirking as the conversation continued, and as I continued to shake my head. I’m pretty good at being able to drown out most noise around me, but also having to pay attention to my youngest, it’s very hard to in there. Finally, I think an actual light bulb went off  in one of their heads because she said, “I hope no one here is from the south!” Then the gentleman smiled and said “I’m from Mississippi.” If you listen to him closely, or just pay attention,  you can hear a slight southern accent in his voice. I smiled, all behind my paper even though I so wanted  to see the look on her face when he said that! She continued to say, “Well, you don’t have a heavy accent. Where in Mississippi?” I can’t remember where he said. Then she went on to say that they weren’t in that area and that must not be the WAY south. She told him where they were and he said it was about 10 miles from where he was from. This was getting better and better. She continued to dance around the subject with him and the other ladies. I can’t remember what the final remark was from her but I turned to him and said, “Well, everybody but you.” and smiled broadly and shook my head.

This made me think about how often does this social faux pas happens. I was relaying this situation with a friend of mine and she stated that it had happened to her recently. Some ladies were making a generalization on the type of people that shop at Walmart.  The people that shop there are low class, no class type of people. Come on, everyone has seen the website, “People of Walmart,” right? That is who shops there!! Now, these were educated women stating this. This friend of mine shops at Walmart. And it made me smile so that she said she stated this fact straight to them and told them why! The posse in me wanted to be there and stand up and say, “Take That!” Probably with choice words at the end! I don’t shop at Walmart generally because of different reasons. I took a sociology class that was based on the Walmart company and how it functions. It had nothing to do with the people that shop there. But do I go there when I have birthday party after birthday party or even a fiesta that I’m throwing, yes!

Always live  by this rule of thumb, assuming always makes an ass out of you! But not necessarily “me”. I’m always telling my girls to stop and think before you do or say something. I think some adults need a refresher on this course as well. Assumption has this country all out of sorts even in world wide news. And it’s not just now, it’s in our history. I’m a 39 year old, Mexican/Puerto Rican, Accountant that lives in Maine. I’m training for my first marathon, I don’t speak/understand fluent Spanish, I do love rice and beans, I hate mole (the dish not the animal), I have a BA in sociology but love math, and I’m from the Chicago area (never in a gang or shot a gun). Are there any other assumptions?

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