Category: Parenting

When Is It Ever Enough?

Summer break is finally here. Since school no longer keeps our kids occupied, parents need to find things to keep them busy. In my children’s eyes, that means take me-buy me- show me mentality. I am not sure if my dad made this saying up, but it plays in my head over and over and over, and it’s only day 2 of summer break! The questions are, when is it enough? Why isn’t it enough? Why can’t they be satisfied with what is provided for them day in, day out? When do they stop making us cry?
Growing up, I knew we weren’t rich, but we always had enough! If my parents struggled financially, my brother and I never knew it. We asked for things, I know I wanted brand named jeans or the jeans with the holes in them when they came in style, but the answer was no. My brother was more persistent then I was, but I don’t think it was like it is today. My children have the business view, “Don’t take ‘No’ for an answer!” They will ask physically, draw a picture, write you a note asking, and then just whine for it. There are many reasons why the answer is no, impracticality, finances, time, finances, location, and finances. In my opinion, a lot of kids these days have no concept of money. And no matter what you say, they can’t understand why they can’t have what they want. They act like we owe it to them!
I took my girls to the zoo for day one. I didn’t have anything planned but needed to keep them busy. Being the first day, I thought we should do something a little special. This zoo has a small amusement park attached to it as well, that opens at noon. We get to the zoo about 10:30. Immediately they want to go on the rides. I explained it wasn’t open and we were going to the zoo first, then lunch (which I packed) and then the rides. We get in and then it’s my youngest wanting to see the tigers, NOW! I told her we would get to that section when we get there. Then it was they want to ride the camels. “No, it’s extra.” Then they wanted to ride the boats. “No, it’s extra. We are here for the zoo, lunch and then the rides. That’s it.” The next ten minutes was filled with whines of why they can’t do what they want. I kept walking and didn’t answer. We were almost done with the zoo, one section left, and the youngest was hungry. She wanted to eat now. I told her we were almost done, it was only 11:30 at this point. The whining followed us to the final section. We were finally done on our way out and the oldest had a fit for not getting her way with a picture prop! I refused to take the picture and walked away and said we can go home now. The apologizes and tears followed. Empty apologizes because they really aren’t sorry, they just want what they want. We had lunch and went to the rides. I let them choose where they wanted to go and what to ride. I even let them play games. Games that they were certain to win something because I was not going to listen to any more whining of them not getting something.
Time was up, and we had to go. I even let them ride a few rides over again before leaving. Once we started heading to the car, the whining began. They didn’t want to go. Why couldn’t we stay longer? What are we going to do when we get home? Not once did they say, “Thank You.” Not once! Through their complaints while getting into the car, I mentioned this. Then I did receive the thank you. But, it doesn’t count. I told them this and that I always have to ask or remind them of the phrase “thank you.” I shake my head and think why do I bother with any of this? I have to remind myself that I’m going to be disappointed or be disappointing to my children because it’s never enough! We do our best with what we have.
Mind you, this is all the same day, we went to the store to get dinner. I asked the girls what they wanted. Chicken was the answer. I bought some chicken. After putting my youngest down for a small nap, catching up on my work/personal emails, organizing my office a bit, and getting the dishes put away and dirty ones cleaned, I started dinner. I made a traditional Spanish dish with the chicken, white rice (girls love it) and corn. I served everyone, called them to dinner, and then served myself. As I was bringing my dish to the table, my oldest expressed, “Yuck, chicken!” It’s not that she doesn’t like chicken, it wasn’t made like SHE likes it, mainly roasted. I try to make traditional meals from my heritage and what I grew up on, and love. I want to make meals that are NOT from a box or frozen. Yes, there’s more to meals than Mac n Cheese and chicken nuggets! I picked my plate up, stood there for minute because of the fury building inside, then the hurt set in, I ended up putting my plate down at the other table. Was about to sit but couldn’t stand being near her at that moment. I went up stairs to my room and started crying.
Yes, I made my mom cry too when I was growing up. I asked my dad when I started having this affect on my mom. He said mid-teens. Mid-Teens!!! My child is 8! I have enough stress getting new clients for my business, making money to pay our mortgage and other bills, figuring out what and where we can put our kids during the summer while we work. I should have sent her to her room/bed without dinner. But the sheer ungratefulness was too much for me at that moment. To avoid losing it all at that moment, I had to walk away. I do cry when I’m angry, and I was beyond angry, but I was also beyond hurt. We do not raise our children to be this way! We provide for them every day. Where does this mentality come from?
My husband came up to console me and made sure I ate my dinner. He brought up my dinner and closed my door. I am also sure that he made my daughter come up to apologize. She said she was sorry. And it hurt because I know she doesn’t mean it. She only apologizes when she gets in trouble. She apologizes to get her way out of her punishment. She apologizes to get a second change, not because she is truly sorry. The most she is sincere is when she accidently hurts her sister when they are playing. I didn’t look at her when she came in, when she apologized or when she left. Before bed, I read to her sister and when she came up at the last minute to hear the ending to her sister’s story, I refused to read to/with her. She stomped away from the injustice and her dad ended up reading with her. I am also certain, she doesn’t know why I didn’t read to her.
The anger and hurtfulness still lingered this morning. I know I will get over it, until the next time. I know my parents had to do without a lot more than I had to growing up. So, when my children start having children, is the entitlement mentality going to start at 2 years of age? How can we teach our children graciousness and thoughtfulness and, finally, humility in today’s world? During a session that parents of first year children in catechism had to go through with the priest, he showed us something very important. It was a video of children running, laughing, singing, and dancing. They were full of joy. The smiles on their face where so contagious I felt like I wanted to be there with them. They were from a third world country. They were poor, well what we consider poor. No running water, limited food, clothes and education. BUT, they didn’t know that! They were not “going without” because they never had it! They were happy to be alive, with their family, friends and what they had. To this day, I wish I was so lucky. I wish I could explain this to my girls. I wish for the joyfulness of those children to be installed in mine. If only I was so rich.

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“Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child”…I Shouldn’t Have To…

There are so many sayings that accompanies children’s behavior: “Oh, it’s that age,” “Terrible Threes,” “She/he gets it from school/friends,” and “I didn’t act that way.” Then there’s the cause of these sayings: “Why can’t I have it?,” “But so and so has one!,” “I want one just like hers/his!,” and “I WANT…!” I’ve heard almost all of these from my children and said at least one. I am at a point that I don’t know what to do any more in trying to bring up my children to be loving, thankful, respectful and happy children. Yes they can be, but I want them to desire to be this way. Not just to get something in return.

I have a 7 and 3 year old, soon to be 8 and 4 (back to back, and no we did not plan this). Their birthdays are in December. It usually takes us until March of the following year to get them to stop thinking it’s their birthday and Christmas and why they are not getting gifts anymore! My 7 year old is in second grade and my 3 year old is in preschool. We’ve really hit the age appropriate “stages” with our oldest than with our youngest. She didn’t have “terrible twos,” she had “the F’ing threes!” She reverted back to baby talk when her sister was born and went through the jealousy stage of having a baby sibling that was receiving most of the attention that she use to get. AND, she was the first grandchild on both sides! This entry is ALL about my oldest! It’s all about her (as she thinks everything is).

Every since school has started this year, my child has changed, and not for the better. It’s to the point that I am wondering where I went wrong! I’ve had moments of shamefulness, headaches, heartaches, and been completely dumbfounded by her behavior. Even as I type this blog I’m constantly shaking my head and rubbing my forehead! I’m the type of person that will not accept the “it’s the age” reasoning. I don’t care how old she is , we did not and are not raising her this way. The only phrase that comes to my mind is “attitude of entitlement.” Where does this come from? I asked my husband this last night and his answer was “She gets it from school.” Which means friends and basically society. It’s always the easy way out.

I’m so tired of hearing my daughter ask, “Why can’t I have…?” Even when I give her the logically and truthful answer, that does not stop her. I am stubborn myself, but this is ridicules. Quick scenario: We just finished having the girls pictures take and we are on our way home. My oldest had suggested that we go to the store so that all of us can buy something because we haven’t don’t that in a while. We’ve NEVER done that. We’ve gone to Target at times when we’ve all picked out something, but it something that we need; toothpaste and brushes, soap, and occasionally coffee if it’s on sale. I calmly told her no. You know what came next, “Why not?” I explained to her that we don’t need anything and that we don’t go out to just buy something. Besides that point, they had their birthdays coming up and they are having parties. Plus they will get gifts from some friends/family. “But, that’s SO far away!” I will skip the comments I gave her at this point. I finally told her that she could choose, a toy now or her party, plain and simple! Our youngest shouted that she wanted her party! Our oldest sat and pouted and squeezed out a few tears! We didn’t engage her at this point.

You would have thought this would have been the end of it! WRONG! We were coming up to an area she actual knows on the highway, where the shopping mall is! To my surprise she started to calming tell me that she knows that Toys-R-Us is coming up! I take a deep breathe, try to stay calm, and stop rubbing my forehead. I just say, “Yes.” Then she proceeded to tell us that she knows where the items are that goes to her toy airplane that she recently received, and that she needs 7 more little people and accessories for her plane. Again, I just said, “huh.” Then my smiling husband said “And what is your point?” “Can’t we go and buy them.” He found this very funny and laughed, I did not share any humor in this. I gave her that choice one more time, toy or party. There was complaining, pouting and yelling at this point, from me!

Nothing is ever enough! This is how I feel. I also feel that “I never acted this way!” I remember wanted a pair of Levi jeans and my dad saying no because they were too expensive. He gave the answer and that was it! I knew not to beg or complain. Besides knowing better, I’d probably would have been yelled at and possible received a spanking if I went on too much about it. I shouldn’t have to do this! As generations come and go, we should learn from them and not retreat to old ways. I feel that most of generation x, my generation, generally respected our parents, did what we were told, most of the time, and knew if we didn’t there were consequences. It was being grounded or being hit.

Parents in the current generation are told it is wrong to hit and we need to use strategy and our words to get through to our children. I don’t want to revert to hitting! I didn’t like it and it shouldn’t be a necessity. I use my words, a lot. They are not always in a calm, Mr. Rogers’ tone but when it calls for it, it’s yelling. I get their attention and they know I mean business! Again, I DON’T want to yell. I’ve been to parenting classes and have picked up great tips, but realistically, these do not always work! I want my daughters to understand that we don’t need “stuff.” This is not what brings happiness (you’ve all heard it). The amount of stuff that someone gives you does not mean they love you most or that you should love them the most! I just need the greediness, self-centered, and entailment attitude to stop. I did not raise my girls this way. I was not raised this way.

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When It’s Not “Okay”

Have you ever been in a situation where saying “I’m Sorry!” isn’t enough or can’t fix a situation? I just had on the other day and it doesn’t sit well with me but it is something I have to deal with. Without going into great detail, I wasn’t doing my job and put someone else’s child is possible danger. How did this happen? I have many excuses but basically I wasn’t doing my job. The anger of the parent wasn’t really what is still upsetting to me, it’s the fact the this child was scared because I wasn’t doing my job properly. As soon as I was aware of the situation I immediately went over to fix my mistake and when I passed this child to his mother she had said “This is NOT ok!” She was right, it wasn’t ok no matter how many times I could say “I’m so sorry!” Despite this, I allowed this mother a few minutes before seeking her out and giving my apologies once again. Was I hoping for that proverbial “It’s ok…,” yes, but I knew it wasn’t going to come. She understood the out of the ordinary circumstances and I wasn’t used to the situation but it still “wasn’t ok.”  I told her that she was correct and there was no excuses for what had happened. She did thank me for seeking her out but made it very clear she wasn’t happy. If I was in her shoes, I would have felt the same way. I also apologized to her son and told him that I wasn’t doing my job. I wasn’t doing my best and let my guard down.

As I was driving home, beating myself up, something my daycare provider had said popped into my head. One of my daughter’s friends at daycare had done something to her and had to apologize to her. Once this friend did, my daughter said, “That’s ok.” The daycare provider had told her that no, it wasn’t ok and that she didn’t have to say that. You can either accept the apology or not, but it doesn’t make it ok! How many times have I had said this in response to an apology? MANY! And was it ok, not always, but somehow, somewhere, we are taught to say this. Kids even now expect to hear the “It’s ok.” after they say that they are sorry! My kids sure do! My daughter badgers me with her sorry! If I don’t respond to her it makes her cry and then I feel bad! Well, not any more!

It’s funny how this situation had happened to me this Friday and my oldest had turned around on Saturday to put herself in a relative same spot. She was sick for two days and on Saturday she was feeling much better. She still needed to take it easy and I didn’t let her run amok outside right away. She hadn’t been outside in two days so when her dad said he was going to mow the lawn I told her she could help him out. In her brain she registered she could go outside and help for 5 minutes and then go play with her friend. I called her in and told her that she was not allowed to play with her friend since she is just getting over being sick and she still needed to take it easy. I went to put her sister down for a nap. A few minutes later she came upstairs asking if I could write a note to the neighbor so she can play over there! Maybe I was speaking another language and she didn’t understand what I had just told her. I told her, again, that she is not to go outside and play with her friend! I didn’t want her passing any of her germs off and she needed to TAKE IT EASY! I also clearly said that her friend had better not be inside the house. I walked away. An hour later I went to wake up my sleeping beauty and when I crossed the hall, my oldest was at the bottom of the stairs……with her friend behind her! Controlling myself not to yell since her friend is there, I reminded her of what I said and stated “I’m sorry but your friend needs to go home and you need to stay inside!” I was fuming.

I had to go to the store, so I took my youngest with me to leave and cool down. I also had to return a Redbox video and, of course, I left it on the counter. After the store I went home to grab it quickly and go back out. I was talking to my husband and I hear my oldest off in the distant. It is so awesome that I have sonar hearing!! I’m looking around and look out my window to see her playing at her friend’s house!!! Trying to keep my eyeballs in my head, I told my husband to call her because I was going to break windows if I opened my mouth. As she came across the yard to my car window, in a controlled stern voice, pointing my finger at her, I said “WHAT DID I SAY?” She replied in her most innocent face like she didn’t understand what this meant, “I’m grounded.” “THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT?” Her shrug received, “You are NOT going to the birthday party tomorrow!” You can now imagine her eyes popping out and tears ensued.

I left and came back. As soon as I walked into the door, “Momma…I’m sorry!” I continued on my path, and she repeated, “Momma…I’m really sorry!.” I said “Yup.” and she continued, “I said my sorry….” She was waiting for her “It’s ok.” and that everything is back to normal and she was going to the party. I told her that it wasn’t “ok.” She had defied me not once, but three times! I had already spoke to her friend’s mom to tell her that we would drop her gift off but that we were not attending the party. I also said that if she was truly sorry, she would show me that she is, by listening to what we tell her! That simple. I also continued to tell her, which I know that I’ve had said this to her before, that saying you’re sorry doesn’t fix the problem. I also added in the “make better choices…” and “all you have to do is listen…” and “you are going to start having to deal with the consequences of your actions!” 7 is such a wonderful age!

Are there times when “It’s ok” really is? Yes. My apology to my friend about us not attending the party, that was “ok” for my friend. And she understood. Having a daughter the same age, she knows what I’m talking about. Any true accident is an “It’s ok.” situation. If the accident is caused by neglect, it’s not. I can’t remember where I learned at a young age to say “It’s ok.” I also can’t remember teaching my daughter to say something when being told “I’m sorry.” I know I wanted her to acknowledge the apology but I honestly don’t remember giving her the response. “I’m sorry!”

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Rumor Has It…..

As years pass we hope that things change for the better. Kids growing up these days still deal with social difficulties as kids in the past, but these difficulties intensify as years go on and dealing with them have changed. Children deal with difficulties in learning new things, making friends, keeping those friends, fitting in, staying unique, bullying, not being a bully, and the list goes on and on.

My mom shared a memory with me about a situation that she had to deal with when she was young. She witnessed her sister getting bullied by three other girls. She was out numbered and didn’t know what to do and perhaps felt it’d be worse to fight back. My mom on the other hand didn’t hesitate. She pushed the “head” girl and told them to back off. She pushed the girl hard enough for her to fall backwards into a wall. The other girls took off afraid of the same punishment. My mom took her sister home and did not tell their parents what had happened. Should there have been teachers or monitors out making sure that kids behaved themselves on school ground, perhaps. But even with monitors, eyes cannot be everywhere. Should her parents have been there to pick them up from school instead of walking home? That was the time of latch-key kids.

One time on the bus home, my brother and I were getting off the bus when his nemesis grabbed my brother around his neck and started choking him. These two boys never got along, and I never knew why. My brother’s face was turning red! I slid into the seat behind this boy and knocked his head as hard as I could against the bus window to get him to let go! He let go and my brother and I got off the bus. I was told the next day that this boy was crying after I had done that. Should the bus driver had done something, YES! Did he/she, I can’t remember, no. Was there any more friction on the bus, no. Should my parents have been there to get us off the bus? It would have been nice but we were also latch-key kids.

I spent a day in middle school where I had no friends. A rumor went around saying that I had said something bad about one of my best friends. I didn’t, but this friend got everyone to turn on me. Even my one true best friend turned on me. I felt like crap the whole day. I had no friends, and no one was speaking to me. Even on the bus, a girl harassed me about the whole situation. The next day I spoke to my friend and asked her what this was all about and when I told her that I didn’t and wouldn’t have said it, we were friends again and everyone liked me again! Out of this whole situation, the one thing that did hurt the most was that my true best friend turned on me. What if I didn’t like this girl, did that mean she wasn’t my friend anymore? I had to like who she liked? It obvious struck a nerve because I remember it to this day. Should I have told my parents, at least my mom, about this? Yes, I think it would have felt good to do so. I’m not sure why I didn’t. She may have been in school or work at the time and my dad was the one home with us. Dad wasn’t the sensitive type for these conversations.

My oldest is in first grade. She is dealing with small bully issues and friends issues already. I don’t remember having to deal with much of any of these issues until around fourth grade. She has told me about someone in her class being a bully to other kids and sometimes her. She has also told me about one of her friends telling her they weren’t friends anymore because she wouldn’t do/give her what she wanted. She has even gotten off the bus crying because no one would sit with her. I felt I gave her the typical answer, but also what was true in my heart. I told her that it’s “their” loss if they don’t want to sit with you or be her friend. That if you show them your weakness, crying, then they will know how to hurt you! I told her that next time if no one wants to sit with her, shrug it off (because they will be sitting together the next day) and take out her trusty notebook that she always has and draw. She loves to draw. I told her that I would LOVE to receive a drawing from her when she got off the bus and that it would make my day. Since then, there hasn’t been an issue. I wanted to give her an outlet. Something to absorb those frustrations.

From my mother’s childhood and mine, these were pretty brutal offenses we had to deal with and retaliate in kind. Yet, the situation was handled and more or less done with. This is not acceptable anymore. I feel that because they are not, we are seeing more and more harsher retaliations and devastating end results. Things are handled with “talk” and not enough action, in my opinion. It’s harder for adults to pay attention to their surrounds without having their phone in their hand or in their face. I’ve always said that we need to disconnect to connect! I’ve seen too many people on their phones while supposedly spending time with their kids. At times, I even catch myself doing it. But I am glad that I can and do catch myself and correct it.

The latest rumor/advisory going around these days is a series on Netflix called 13 Reasons Why. We have received emails from school about it and it has also been in the local paper. Parents need to talk to their children about suicide and either watch the show with them or don’t allow them to see it because it “glorifies” suicide. Since my children are not old enough to watch these shows/movies anyways, I was curious on my own. So I watched it, intensely. I beg to differ with these opinions. It doesn’t glorify suicide, it gives possible scenarios that kids, mostly teens, might go through in school. It is a bit far fetch by thinking that all of the 13 experiences would happen to just one person, but just one of those alone could truly have an impact on a young person. Most of the experiences were based on rumors! Just one rumor can have a deep affect on someone, just one. The rumor can change a person’s life completely, or be a memory, a life long memory, see above to my rumor (that took place in 7th grade, 1990).

I feel that society loves to blow things out of proportion and the need of the “helicopter parents” call signal is always shinning in the sky. Yes, we do need to pay attention to what is going on in our children’s lives. We need to respond in a timely manner and in a kind manner. Yelling at our kids for not speaking up or saying something will make them never come to you again with a problem. Spoiler alert! If you watched 13 Reasons Why, her final reason was because she was asking for help, straight out, from the guidance counselor and he wasn’t paying attention to her cry for help. She told herself that if he would reach out to her and help her she wouldn’t kill herself. Instead, his cell phone kept ringing and his mind was on that phone and not on her even though he kept ignoring the call. He wasn’t ignoring the call, he was ignoring her! We need face time with our kids not FaceTime.

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What? That’s It?

Anyone who has children, or was a child, knows about being ungrateful. I’m sure if I ask my parents if there was ever a time that I was ungrateful, I’m sure they’d be laughing and say, “JUST one time?” Sitting here trying to think back to when I was ungrateful, there is only one memory that comes to my mind and it is vague. I remember more from my dad’s own memory. My mom had brought home some lip gloss, or something along those lines for me, as a treat. I had a friend over and looked at her gift and complained that it wasn’t what I wanted. And hence, I made her cry. I didn’t see it as her being kind and thinking of me. I was acting up in front of my friend and immediately complained it wasn’t what I wanted. I don’t fully remember this, but have no trouble believing that I had done this. But I do remember times when my parents did stuff for us or took us somewhere to have fun and always saying “Thank you.” Even if it was just taking us out to eat somewhere for breakfast, there was always a “thank you” and it was never prompted.

I know that “times have changed.” It always does but we also try to keep things similar. It frustrated me so much that my children have to be prompted all the time to say “thank you.” Sometimes I try to remind myself not to say “What do you say…” when they are given something or something has been done for them right away and give them a chance to do it on their own. But I always end up repeating myself! It is a rarity when my oldest says thank you to me whenever I, or we, do anything for her. I know this because it actually just happened the other day. I was shocked to hear her say it. I took her on a hike up Mt.  A and packed a lunch for us to have at the top. I wanted some one-on-one time with her since we don’t get to do it much during the school year. We were at the top eating our lunch and she just looked at me and said, “Thank you Mama for taken me here today. I’m having fun.” A simple thank you is all I ever look for. But I also say that if you do things expecting something in return, you are doing it for the wrong reason. In regards to my children, I don’t follow that rule!

It was spring break this past week. We really didn’t plan much for them because we are trying to pay more attention to what we spend our money on. And knowing that we are going to FL and Disney at Christmas time, we are really trying to save up. So, we decided to take them to a nice hotel that had a small water park inside and also take them to Six Flags. We did the water park the day we got there because it was extra to use it! We took them out to dinner twice and spent all of the next day at Six Flags. At the end of the day at, our youngest was able to get something that was under $25. Why $25? Well, our oldest didn’t put on the shoes we told her to when we left the house and I didn’t notice that she had her rain boots on until we were well on our way. SO, we had to stop and buy her a pair of walking shoes at Marshalls that were $24.99. Our youngest decided that she would get something for herself AND her sister with the money she had. A thank you was given to her and we got, “You guys are the best parents in the whole wide world.”

We are because we “wined and dined” them for two days. When we got to dinner the last night, it was nothing but whining because of whatever set the little one off. I had to take her outside to get her to knock it off! Then the other kept complaining that her food was too hot and couldn’t even touch it! The next morning it was they didn’t want to go home, why did we have to leave, I don’t like that donut, I want my kindle, it’s my turn, I don’t want to take a nap, and my favorite, what are we doing now? They would not give us two minutes to sit down without having to ask us to do something for them. I asked Ryan, “When is it ever enough?” It’s never enough and it’s never ending.

My parents may have something different to say, but I never remember being this way with them. I think my brother and I knew better! One look from dad, and that was it! I know I wanted things that my friends had or what was popular at the time. But, if I felt brave enough, I asked once and that was it. I even remember my dad taking us to buy ourselves a gift that we wanted for Christmas. Mine was an easy bake oven. We were so excited to pick it out, pay for it with our own money, and get home to play with it. NO!!! When we got home we had to wrap it and wait for Christmas! WHAT!!! We had to wait? But we bought it! It was already ours! I don’t remember ever asking my dad why he did that. It’s just a memory we talk about and complain about. I feel that it had to do with being grateful. We saved our money, that technically they gave us for chores, and we didn’t have to buy anyone a gift, which would have been a nice thought/action to do. We were able to buy what WE wanted. We earned the money and was able to spend it as we saw fit.

Do I feel my children are ungrateful? Most of the time they are. I feel that they are because they don’t know any different. We talk and talk to them about “others” who don’t have much and are not able to do the things that we are able to do. They have no concept of this. They can’t understand why they can’t have more or what they want all the time. Even during lent and we do the soup bowl for those who are hungry. They don’t get it. Seeing is believing to them. They don’t see hunger, poverty, real gratefulness for things, simple things. Maybe it’s time they see what is happening around the world still. Maybe it’s time we make them “see” to believe. Times have changed!

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Losing Your Shit- a.k.a Adult Tantrum!

Per Google, a tantrum is “an uncontrollable outburst of anger and frustration , typically in a young child.” I would say the majority of the time, this is true. I feel a child having a tantrum is due to not being able to really understand why he or she “can’t” do or have something. They don’t know how to express their feelings intelligently yet. In turn, adults sometimes can’t understand WHY their child(ren) can’t understand what they are telling them to do or not to do and the only why to get through to them is stooping to their level!

For example, I had lost my shit yesterday with my oldest child Matti, aged 7. We had a winter storm, in spring. My husband was at work all day due to the storm which left me fending off the frustration of having children locked inside for most of the day. As always, I try to plan ahead to keep them and myself busy to ward off any chance of any real frustrations. After feeding both of them separate breakfasts, avoidance #1, I had to get outside to tackle the heavy snow in the driveway. Besides needing to get the girls dressed in their snow gear, avoidance #2 because you know after getting them all geared up one or both has to go potty, I also had to figure out how to deal with the dogs so they are not inside barking the whole time while we are outside, avoidance #3.

Matti went to put them in the cage and I told her not to because I was going to tether them outside on the stoop. Ok, she went to get the leashes and put them on the dogs. I said, “No, I have to set up the leashes to be tethered first.” Ok, she grabbed the one leash and said it was already done (we do have a leash that has two clips so they can be walked on one leash). I said, “No, that is not how I am going to use it.” She said, “I got it. I’m going to put them on the leash. It’s all set.” I said, “No (getting a little louder), that is not how they are going to be set up. They need more length to move around.” Matti, “I can do it. I know how to do it.” She continues to go towards the dogs to hook them to the leash. Me, “NO, Matti! That is not going to work, it isn’t long enough.” Matti, “Yes it is. I got it!” Finally, with voiced raised to the point of choking myself and stomping my foot down as hard as I can and throwing my arms down to my sides “NO!!! THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK! WHY CAN’T YOU LISTEN TO ME???” AHA- she finally gets it!

I used to pat myself on the back on how much patience I had dealing with one child, dogs, and a husband. Then child number 2 came. I was let go of my job of 8 years while I was on maternity leave and dealing with a bit of postpartum depression. At this point, I used to “lose-my-shit” all the time! It was a problem. So much so that I did seek counseling for it. I didn’t like being angry or frustrated all the time. I knew it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t want my kids to think back on me as having a scowling face all the time. I didn’t want them to feel they had to tip toe around me like I had to with my dad during football season and the Bears losing all the time!

The counseling did help. I was able to bitch about things and then attack my frustrations intellectually. It took a little bit over a year. I didn’t want to be medicated for it so I worked hard at it. Am I a “star” parent of complete patience? Hell no! Do I have tantrums? Once in a while. Is it healthy? I believe it is. There are other ways that I work out my frustrations, or ways to avoid it. I workout, A LOT. But that needed burst at that specific time is also needed. I don’t hit my kids. That isn’t healthy! But they know when I mean business. They might not get it the first round, but at least it takes 4 rounds.

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