A quote from today’s eulogy, “He has risen, Hallelujah, Hallelujah!” Response is “He Has risen, Hallelujah, Hallelujah!”

I understand where the “egg” comes into the Easter celebration. Spring usually brings new life to animals, which directs us to the rising of Jesus. He was “born again,” new life emerges in nature. Where does the bunny come into all of this? Depending on where you look there are many sources of the Easter bunny. Per seeker.com, the bunny came into play in 1500s (1700s in the US) from folklore told by Germans about a bunny hiding colored eggs in gardens. Per Wikipedia, German Lutherans brought the bunny in a folklore to entice children to behave during the Eastertide. Sound familiar…..ho, ho, ho?

Just like Christmas, I feel that too many people miss the point of the holiday and fall into the societal culture of it. I had a friend once ask about what’s the point of giving something up for lent to “torture” yourself for awhile and then just turn around and returning to doing it again.  I am not a person to force my beliefs on anyone! But, if that is how you see how lent is, you don’t get it! Lent is just not “giving up something.” It’s about making a change in your life for the better, becoming a better person. And because you see this as something that needs to be changed, you will continue this change well after lent. THAT is what it means to give something up for lent. On the other end, you don’t necessarily have to give something up, you can also do something that you normally don’t do. Volunteer your time, spend less time watching t.v. and more time doing family stuff, or not going out to eat to spend time together at the dinner table eating a meal that you made together. The list can go on and on.

Easter has nothing to do with a bunny, chocolate, colored eggs, and gifts. To me, Easter is about being thankful for someone who gave everything up for us. It tells me to see beyond my own needs and to ask myself, “Am I being a good person.” I don’t  see religion, or Catholicism in my situation, as being down on my knees begging for forgiveness, attending church every week to pray for my “sins,” or making sure I am oh so “holy where art thou.” To me, it gives me faith in others, faith in myself, wanting to be in the likeness of God. I am not saying that I am, but I can say that I work on it. I am not perfect, I’m not always kind,  I don’t always have “happy” thoughts, and I am far from perfect. But I am doing my best.

The next time you celebrate anything, always ask yourself if you know what you are celebrating. Don’t just go through the motions. Think about it! Don’t be like Facebook where there’s a day for everything! Have meaning in your life.

Happy Easter!

Hitting the big 4-0 in 7 months and 1 day, but who’s counting? What do I struggle with hitting 40? Having something to say, or contribute, and not having a place to say it or someone to hear it. I feel like there is so much in me that I am going to burst if I never get the chance to put it out there. So here I am!

My brief bio is I live in Maine, married with 2 daughters (3 & 7) and 2 dogs, originally from Illinois, BA in Sociology, and I work as an accountant and teach swimming on my spare time. I love to sew, knit, crochet, plant, exercise, hike, camp and travel. And all of this with or for my family. Unfortunately with work and the kids, I rarely get to do these things I love. Will this change when I’m 40, doubt it. Would I like it to. YES, very much.

I hope to bring to my blog all the things I love and aspire to do. The one thing I won’t bring into it is politics. I will say it here, I am a republican but do not like/agree with our current president. We all have our own opinions and could go back and forth with things, but I waste enough time dealing with things I rather not be dealing with. I rather write and read feedback about positive, helpful and interesting (to me) things.

There are so many experiences and curiosities I want to explore and share. I have so many ideas that I want feedback, good and bad.  I want to know that I am not the only one with these feelings, ideas, set-backs, frustrations, ambitions, etc. I need to know that I am not the only one trying to do something important (to oneself) and it taking two weeks to put down into words because of the loss of train of thought (because of interruptions by ALL- children and husband and work) and finding the right words without rambling on……

On that note, WELCOME and thank you for checking “me” out!

The photo above is when I was 25, 14 years ago, to the month. The battle over my self-image is still in full attack mode. I was tired of being “out-of-shape” and I wanted to do something about it. At that time, I was already going to the gym 2-3 hours a day 5-6 times a week! I decided to participate in The Body For Life Challenge. My face shown in the picture with the paper was suppose to look “unhappy,” I wasn’t faking it. The smile in the other picture, I totally wasn’t faking that either! I felt good because I looked good. I believe that should be the other way around. Self-image, unfortunately, can be a constant battle for people, more so for girls.

I was always “little/skinny” when I was younger. When I hit puberty, 5th grade, I gained weight. After a couple of years, around 8th grade, I lost the extra weight. But ever since I gained the weight, I always “felt” fat/ugly. I stayed “thin” until college and gained weight, slowly and steadily until I was 25. I was tired of feeling bad about myself because how I looked on the outside! So, I did the challenge. I felt happy about myself, inside and out, for about 2 years.

Then I was really happy because I met and started dating Ryan. The weight came back on. Only a little came off before the wedding, 2008. Then I was pregnant! I did a paper in my sociology class about body image and pregnant women. I wanted to know what I was getting into! Come to find out, I was NOT the only one feeling the way I did. I was so afraid of gaining weight that I only gained about 16 pounds during my pregnancy. I lost all the extra weight right away, BUT things shifted! I was bigger in places that I wasn’t before but yet weighed the same. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? Then it became an obsession to lose weight. I joined Weight Watchers and dropped 15 pounds. I was able to run faster and I was able to look at myself in the mirror.

Fast forward to today. Got pregnant a second time and gained 26 pounds, lost some of the weight and took 2 years to lose the rest and get back to my “pre-pregnancy” weight, which wasn’t great either. I would yo-yo between 5-10 pounds but always gained it back. I picked up my running mileage, biking and swimming but left out the weights. I even did the harsh cabbage soup diet for 8 days. YES, lost 10 pounds, but gained 9 back within a week. You can’t keep off water weight.

Ryan couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy with myself. He told me, and still does, how beautiful I am. I’m a great person, friend, mother and wife. He tells me he is still so attracted to me as he was when we met. I finally told him that I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I am so unhappy with my physical self. The probable isn’t in the outside, it’s in the inside. I told him that I am glad that he thinks all of this of me, but what matters is what I think of myself. And THAT’S the problem. I can’t stand to take a picture of myself or even look at it.

I’ve finally, almost 40 years later, am tired of this self loathing. This is NOT how I want my daughters to feel about themselves. How can I teach them that when I don’t lead by example. Instead of trying to get myself out of bed in the morning to get to the gym by saying “get your fat ass up,” I start saying, “Come on! You can do it and you’ll feel better afterwards.”  I tell myself that I’m doing my best and I have great running friends that are so supportive and motivating! I try to think of something, how ever small, positive to say about myself every day. Anything from, “My toes look great now that I can get a pedicure…” to “My jeans feel great! I’m getting there..”

We are always told, and try to teach, it’s not what is on the outside but what’s on the inside. It’s another thing to live it. T.V., ads, social media, celebrities, and sometimes friends (the wrong kind) make it very difficult. Even when there is a “healthy” looking celebrity, such as Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games, they are put down by “critics.” Even they take it to heart and drop weight to “fit in.” The fashion industry was on a great track by making it mandatory that the models adhere to “healthy” guidelines and met the standards of a healthy weight based on their height. Oh, some designers did not like that and refused! Even when I watch my favorite program, Project Runway, when there is a challenge of making clothes for the “every day woman” there are so many groans! REALLY!!! Isn’t that who you are trying to reach with your fashion. Don’t you want EVERYONE to wear your clothes? Doesn’t everyone deserve to feel and look fabulous. The thing is, you never truly feel beautiful outside if you don’t tell your inside.