Per Google, a tantrum is “an uncontrollable outburst of anger and frustration , typically in a young child.” I would say the majority of the time, this is true. I feel a child having a tantrum is due to not being able to really understand why he or she “can’t” do or have something. They don’t know how to express their feelings intelligently yet. In turn, adults sometimes can’t understand WHY their child(ren) can’t understand what they are telling them to do or not to do and the only why to get through to them is stooping to their level!

For example, I had lost my shit yesterday with my oldest child Matti, aged 7. We had a winter storm, in spring. My husband was at work all day due to the storm which left me fending off the frustration of having children locked inside for most of the day. As always, I try to plan ahead to keep them and myself busy to ward off any chance of any real frustrations. After feeding both of them separate breakfasts, avoidance #1, I had to get outside to tackle the heavy snow in the driveway. Besides needing to get the girls dressed in their snow gear, avoidance #2 because you know after getting them all geared up one or both has to go potty, I also had to figure out how to deal with the dogs so they are not inside barking the whole time while we are outside, avoidance #3.

Matti went to put them in the cage and I told her not to because I was going to tether them outside on the stoop. Ok, she went to get the leashes and put them on the dogs. I said, “No, I have to set up the leashes to be tethered first.” Ok, she grabbed the one leash and said it was already done (we do have a leash that has two clips so they can be walked on one leash). I said, “No, that is not how I am going to use it.” She said, “I got it. I’m going to put them on the leash. It’s all set.” I said, “No (getting a little louder), that is not how they are going to be set up. They need more length to move around.” Matti, “I can do it. I know how to do it.” She continues to go towards the dogs to hook them to the leash. Me, “NO, Matti! That is not going to work, it isn’t long enough.” Matti, “Yes it is. I got it!” Finally, with voiced raised to the point of choking myself and stomping my foot down as hard as I can and throwing my arms down to my sides “NO!!! THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK! WHY CAN’T YOU LISTEN TO ME???” AHA- she finally gets it!

I used to pat myself on the back on how much patience I had dealing with one child, dogs, and a husband. Then child number 2 came. I was let go of my job of 8 years while I was on maternity leave and dealing with a bit of postpartum depression. At this point, I used to “lose-my-shit” all the time! It was a problem. So much so that I did seek counseling for it. I didn’t like being angry or frustrated all the time. I knew it wasn’t healthy. I didn’t want my kids to think back on me as having a scowling face all the time. I didn’t want them to feel they had to tip toe around me like I had to with my dad during football season and the Bears losing all the time!

The counseling did help. I was able to bitch about things and then attack my frustrations intellectually. It took a little bit over a year. I didn’t want to be medicated for it so I worked hard at it. Am I a “star” parent of complete patience? Hell no! Do I have tantrums? Once in a while. Is it healthy? I believe it is. There are other ways that I work out my frustrations, or ways to avoid it. I workout, A LOT. But that needed burst at that specific time is also needed. I don’t hit my kids. That isn’t healthy! But they know when I mean business. They might not get it the first round, but at least it takes 4 rounds.